i'm disgusted by myself. i feel hopeless. isn't death the option
who am i to hurt this much? i created this nonsense first. since i'm the one who created it, i don't even have the rights to feel sad, depressed and upset.
the murderer don't even have the rights to scream that it hurts.
i want to thank her. for always being there for me. for being patient with me. for being so forgiving. for trusting me. for changing me, from a person who don't study to a person who's striving to achieve As. for making me feel like nobody else can do. for drawing Spongebob for me. for wasting so much time on me. for trying her best every time, just to make me feel better when i was feeling down.
no one can make me feel the way she does.
she's such a faithful lover. such a nice girl. and all i did was to ruin her everything. wasted her time. made people hate her. i'll never forgive myself. yea, i deserve all this . i repeated this many many times. but yea, i really do deserve all this guiltiness, pain, and suffering. actually, i deserve more than this.
hope she did well for her today's paper.
all this has come to an end.
i must learn to let go? isn't it?
but i can't.
i think i'll mourn forever.
made a girl feel that way.
made her waste her time.
made people hate her.
made her neglect her studies just to talk to an useless person.
even i feel disgusted by myself. i don't even have the rights to exist in this world.
why not, just exchange my life for my uncle's. he still has so many wishes not fulfilled and so many things unaccomplished. he needs more years to live than me. i'm just an useless bum making a girl upset, don't believe that people in virtual world can be real too, for lying to her and not owning up by myself. don't you think God? that i'm just a disappointment. i did so many sins. i thought i'll change for the better but no, i didn't. take my life and cure my uncle, please. i'm not even appreciating life. i'm just going to disappoint more people. i find life meaningless. what's the point of living a meaningless life?
i'm not trying to say that lying to her has made my life more meaningful.
but i'm trying to say. trying to ask myself. trying to answer this question. what am i living for ?
